Self love

hello everyone. This topic is one that is very close to my heart and I'm crying as I write this because the emotions are still that rare in me. 

Growing up my mom always thought I was to fat even when I wasn't. I was always a chubby kid. No bigger than a size large in clothes but, she still felt that I was huge and when I bought clothes with what money I saved up if she felt I was too fat for it she would throw them away. As I was growing up and my sizes would up and down my aunt would take my clothes and wear them because she liked tight clothes. She was what a ratchet is today but back in the days there wasn't a name for it, no there was a name for it. it was called triflin. So with my mom thinking I was too fat for clothes and my aunt taking my clothes I became a tom boy. I would by big boy clothes to hide myself because I started to believe I was fat and ugly. So I went through life as a tom boy up until whats going on 5 year when I found Lolita. 

When I found Lolita and started dressing like a girl that's when my walls I used to hide behind started coming down. The rare feeling of being a girl and looking pretty was all new. Dressing up and wearing makeup was new but, I got the hang out of fast. Until I met some of the nastiest girls in the world. 

For years I have learned to let people talk about me. Hell my mom always picked at me about my weight. No matter how much I lose it wasn't enough. So talk about me all you want I didn't care. When it came down to other girls in the Lolita community that were too scared to stand up for themselves I did it. I stayed mad for years in Lolita because of the ugliness I saw in Lolita that I had at home I wanted and had a need to fight. Feeling ugly is an under statement. Living with the fact that because of your weight your own mother wont even look at you well self hate don't even come close to what I feel. 

I'm on a long road to self love and its very dark and very scary for me but, I must walk it alone. I beg everyone not to feel sorry or sad or upset for something you can not control. If you have nothing in life to feel good about its just that. you have life and a wonderful one. Not all days will be sunny and flowers and birds will sing but, you have a life and that's worth being happy for. So once a day I will look in the mirror and say "I love you the way you are" and I will believe it even if its only for a minute. I will believe it and move on to help me down this road one step at a time.  

 

 

Lolita scrapbook/binder

So I think every new Lolita should make a Lolita scrapbook/binder. Print out pictures for the outfits and dresses and bows etc that you want and like and put them in a book. Make it pretty and girly or gothic it up( for my gothic girl). I feel its a good way to get to know Lolita in a better way. You well get a good look at what the outfit is and how its put together. You can put notes and what not, you can add outfit run downs and everything. 

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All binder/scrapbooks are very fun to make you can even add your pictures of before and after. Never be scared to cut up any Lolita magazines you see or have. Remember this binder/scrapbook is yours. You make it the way you want to. this is your Lolita journey and only you can make yourself happy on this road. So enjoy every step of the way.  

Let's think today

Today I was thinking about all the things I'm responsible for in my home. I also was thinking about all the hobbies I'm into and I just don't like the fact that some of them have to take the back burner for others. I love Lolita, Bjds, Cosplay, and TCGs. I have been trying to move for a while now and its really taking a toll on me now. I feel I have aged about 10 years just trying to move and dealing with the people i deal with everyday. The fact that others come to me with their problems for my help and I can't is hard. when I say I can't i mean I can't they wont listen they will turn the tables so i can end up helping them and not even getting help for myself. Sometimes I don't even know why I even bother to begin with. Its to the point where I feel I must have done something in the pass to be going through something like this. I just don't know. I haven't cried in so long I'm unsure if I can even do that anymore. I'm doing things now that I never thought I would. I stop eating meats, I try to work more, I'm even trying to not say everything that's on my mind. I'm even trying to let shit go from my pass and from shit that is going on from day to day. I just don't have not one idea why i'm going to through so much. I feel as if I'm in a room and I'm screaming to the top of my lungs and no cares, they look at me but they just don't give a fuck. It sucks to feel so lone.

In the end I am strong and I will over come all of this no matter what. I will get to where I need to be. I will move on and start my life over. I will be happy and I will get my life in order so my happiness will roll in. I am a fighter and I will fight until the day I die for all the things that make me happy. I don't care if no one will listen to me. I don't care about being in this room and screaming while everyone over looks me. One day you will see me. One day you will listen to me. One day you will hear my cries and on that day I will no longer need you or anyone else. On that day I will walk out with my head up high and sun shining in my face. On that day I will turn around and help someone else that is in my shoes to stand up with me so the sun will be in their face. This place that we are in its not nice its lonely it hurts and a place where we are only for a short time. Until I come out of this room the world will be waiting for me and I am waiting for the world and when we meet only the sky is the limit. 

Let help one another

Hello everyone lets talk about some things that have been bugging me about Lolita as of late. Now I understand we all can't be there for everyone. I understand not all are welling to learn the ropes in Lolita, but we have to try. I have been seeing girls over look and even bold face lie to girls with how "cute" their outfits are. In the end these said girls end up on the hate site(who should not be named). It's sad and we all need to stop all this shit.

 We have to stick together. I wish we all could just help one another out. if someone new ask questions tell them the truth. tell them what the outfit needs help with. let them know where to get better stuff. give links to videos for hair and makeup.

what most of the Lolita's out there don't understand that if one looks bad in a group of Lolita's we all look bad. That goes for all no matter if your fat, skinny, black, white or blue. We all look bad together. there is nothing wrong with just helping. I don't understand why is it that we all can't stand together with out one person turning around and talking about a person or outfit without helping this person. 

I don't want this post to get to out of hand with all of this so I will end this post with a awesome picture of the one Lolita I look up to the most the awesome Midori Fukasawa.